2013- What a year!

Now that it is a week into the new year I figured it was a good time to reflect and review what last year was all about. It went by so fast that I really haven't had time to think about it. I really have mixed feeling about last year. It was good, it was bad, it was sad and it was in credible all in one sentence.

Let's talk about the good (always go with the good first):
Riley had the gift of hearing; she heard my voice for the first time and it is a miracle. She had her cochlear implant surgey and was activated July 11th. She is really only 6 months hearing age and is taking off like crazy. It's a miracle.

We found out Riley is going to be a big sister to a little SISTER! More estrogen in our house and I can not wait. I can't wait for tea parties, spa days and slumber party galore; 14 more weeks to go.

I started a new job (same college) but working in the office of career services. I really love this move because I get to work closely with students and see their dreams come true. I am truly happy with this move. It is a little farther of a commute but still nothing compares to when I was driving downtown to CSU everyday; 30 miles turned into 60 minutes almost everyday. No traffic in the country-BONUS


Now the ugly:

Riley has had so many issues with her implants that was so unexpected. She has now had three surgeries since July and will have another one this may or June. I wish everyday that it would be me with the hearing loss, and me that has to go through these surgeries. She is the happiest baby on the block and doesn't even what she has been going through this year. She had her first ambulance ride, which our hospital is over 2 hours one way, and her first surgery in 2013.

I feel alittle guilty because I haven't been paying much attention to this pregnancy as I did Riley. I mean I had pictures weekly posted of my belly and my progress; some week with baby #2 I forget what week I am on. All I know is she will be here in 3.5 months and we don't have a name picked out. Things have just been so crazy that this pregnancy just flew by.....baby girl, I promise it will be different once you are here. We love you to the moon and back.

What I've learned:

People do change: I always thought that people don't change. Maybe it's not changing, just more growing apart. I've learned that I don't have time for negativity or people that just take every once of happiness out of you when you talk to them. I have to stay positive in everything that is going on, attitude is everything and you choose how you react to situation. I can't keep up with the Joneses and I don't want to. I can barely keep up with the Niedzwicki's. In 2014 I am going to surround myself with people that I love and don't have to compete with. It's not worth it.

God's plan is the right plan. I think that is enough said. There are so many things that I think....what if? What if I never moved to Indiana? What if I Riley was born with normal hearing? What if I wouldn't have had fertility issues? god knows and he placed everything accordingly. I believe more in God's plan than I ever had. He keeps giving me test, challenges and once I think we've gotten through one bump, another one comes.

I married the most amazing father/husband I ever met or known. He is my saving grace and is everything to his girl. The way she is becoming quite the daddies girl makes me happy. That's what i want, it makes me love him even more. 

 2014 is going to be a great year and I can't wait to watch our family grow. These three are my whole world and what 2014 is going to be about. 

Riley's Update

Well I have to say that this road to oral and spoken language has been a crazy road for the past 5 months. I knew going into this that it would be a lot of work, however I did not plan for all bumps in the road. Who plans for bumps in the road? Nobody. At least not this girl.

Riley has had an infection in the left CI since a week after her surgery. We have been driving down to the hospital every other week to try to get this taken care of; unfortunately the time came where we had to take it out. Taking out a cochlear implant is not a common procedure, infact if they have to take out everything, including the electrodes then there isn't hope of putting it back in.

That's where mom started to freak out! I really wanted the device to come out before the infection took over everything, including the electrodes. Fortunately he was able to take out the top part and but it off deep enough to keep the electrodes in. That is all we could hope for. 6 months down the road she will get her left CI back in.

For right now we are jumping into therapy head on. Speech therapy once a week, developmental therapy once a week, and online therapy twice a month. This little girl is taking it like a champ; she is listening better that 2 and 3 year old I know. You see, there is a difference between hearing and listening. Some parents will assume there child is listening because they can hear. Hearing and listening go one on one but are two different things. She is actually LISTENING to the sounds, voices, movements and anything else she can. She looks to ever sound. I don't have to say her name twice, or three time, or even yell....she listening. This is something we are going to keep teaching her. Everytime she listens, we point to our ear and let her know....Yay good listening.

She bangs on pots and pans and laughs, she points to her nose when I say "nose", she opens books and starts jabbering like she is reading the book because she gets read to every single night. She said "uh oh" for the first time two days ago. This girl is really taken off, and with one ear.

We had a booth test done when we were at Riley to see where she was on the "speech banana" and how many decibles she is really hearing at.

The blue line is where Riley is hearing these days. She is at 25 decibels with her tones and 10 with speech. SHE KICKED SOME MAJOR BUTT at the testing!! This is a girl that was hooked up to IV and didn't each since midnight. Everyone was in awwww over this girl and her jump from last test. Her last test she was hearing at 32 speech and 52 decibel.

Testing a toddler is hard because they are on your lap playing with toys. Now what child wants to turn their head to each "beep" or "ba ba ba" that they hear when they have a cool toy in front of them. So testing at this age is not always 100% accurate but I am definitely going with this!

This little bump in the road i think has made our family stronger and more determined to work with Riley in every aspect of her development. I am learning so much about speech, motor and even gross motor skills than I ever thought I would, and I wouldn't change it for anything.

Riley is doing awesome! Thank you for all your calls, texts and more importantly, prayers. You are all loved!

Merry Christmas!

To elf or not to elf......

That is the question! Being it's Christmas and the holidays are next week I thought this was a great way to introduce this post. However my rant goes deeper than just Elf on the Shelf.

Being a parent is hard. You have to constantly make decisions that effect your child and your family. Everything you do or say: breastfeeding or not, daycare or stay at home, cloth diapers or pampers or even which if they watch tv or not. It doesn't stop there, oh no. With all those decisions on your mind, you have to constantly worry about being judged as a parent. Are you a good parent? What are other parents doing? Parents (especially moms) should all be in this together. There should be no judgement on how I am raising my kids vs. how you are raising your kids. You just never know what the family or child may be going through. I realized this we had our last stay at Riley Hospital; Every kid in there is sick and all of us parents are doing the best we can.

Christmas is a such a magical time for me and my family and we hope to pass that on to our kids. I have been reading so many negative thoughts, comments about how other people are raising their children that it makes me really sad. Don't worry about what someone else is doing. If a parent wants to use elf on the shelf to bribe their kids to behave, or do crazy different places where their children find him, then that's okay. That's their choice. Riley isn't old enough to understand the concept but when she does we will do it all season. I don't have time to do anything crazy, like take apart my xmas tree and make it seem like the elf did it, but if it makes her smile every morning to see her "elf" in a different spot and know that he is talking to santa then that makes me happy. It makes me happy that she believes.

That's what the spirit of christmas is to me and my family....believing in something so big that it fills up your heart. I don't think it's santa's job to make sure your kids are naughty or nice but if that is something you have to do to stay sane during this season then that's okay. I don't know what your day to day life is like and you may need that to teach your children. I won't judge you if you don't judge me.

I don't think you can "ruin" you kids or make them into brats because you get them gobs of gobs of presents. That comes from someplace deeper then the holiday season. One day isn't going to make your kid into a spoiled brat. We will teach our kids that giving isn't just enough, you have to give to someone or something that can't give back to you. The magic of Christmas is not about presents but about faith, about life, about love. I want them to know about the birth of Jesus and this day is because of him. Everything is because of him. If you don't, that's okay to me- I won't judge you if you don't judge me.

If you choose to not do santa in your house, or want you kids to make believe, that's okay. I want my kids to believe way past santa claus. Know that there is more to the spirit of christmas then santa claus, but if they believe then all things are possible. It's a magical time of year. I want it all: santa, elf on the shelf, trees, decorations, carols, traditions and family. If you dont that is OKAY with me- I won't judge you if you don't judge me.

Remember...we are all doing the best we can with what we have.

Merry Christmas

One Year Ago....

Riley Mae,

I'm writing you this on the night before Halloween to be ready for tomorrow. Halloween is one of those holidays that I love. The kids, the candy, the dressing up and treats, all make me so excited. Halloween has a different feeling for me this year. One year ago today you were diagnosed with profound hearing loss in both ears. Today was the day your dad and I found out you are deaf. Today is just another holiday for most people, not me.

I remember being in so much pain. So much grieving and so much hatred that i didn't even recognize myself. I remember sitting on the floor of the kitchen with you for 3 hours the day after and crying the entire time. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't get over that my idea of what our family would be, the perfect child with the perfect family was gone. I didn't know how to even come up for air during this grieving time. I didn't know if I could even be the mom I wanted to be. I felt so alone. I couldn't talk to anyone. I was numb.

I wrote this post The Beauty of Holland about how you feel when someone tells you there is something wrong with your child. You worry and stress your whole pregnancy about something being wrong and not one time did I ever think about you being born deaf. Never.

Now, one year later, I couldn't imagine you being any other way. I thank God for this gift he has given me to really understand something bigger than me.  To slow down. To be the best mother I can be. I wouldn't take back a single day with you, a single sound I hear you make for granted. How many moms get excited with their child gets scared by the dog? I can't wait until the day you get in trouble in school because you are talking to much; I will be grateful for your speech. Appreciate your language. Remember that day on Halloween 2012 when I couldn't see past that couple of hours.

I thought about today many times throughout this year and how I would feel. If I would be happy, sad, or even remember what it was like. This morning when I was getting you ready for your Halloween parade I cried and cried. I don't know if it was happy tears or remembering; I think maybe a little of both?

It's amazing how much time a year really is. Some people say times flies by, but does it really? Maybe we are just too busy to realize that time is slipping by us. You have shown me that time matters.  You have been through so much this past year and now we are back here again. Back to the day it all began and I couldn't be more proud of you than I am today. I couldn't have the most perfect little girl in the universe of little girls. I love you more than you know....more than pumpkin spice coffee, more than Christmas and more than pizza cutter pizza!

Love

Your Mama

To My Daughter

On her first birthday...

Riley Mae,

I can't believe that you are one year old, 365 days you have been with us. One year ago today we heard your cry for the first time. One year ago today we finally got to meet your beautiful face. One year ago today I became a mom, because of you.

Because of you I now know what it is to love something more than you can ever love yourself. Because of you I take less things for granite. Because of you I strive to be the best I can possible be. I now understand what the "love nobody can describe" feels like. You have touched so many people and been an inspiration to our whole family. Ever since you were conceived you were a fighter, you don't give up. I look in your eyes and see so much strength and determination. I look in your eyes and see a sweet girl that loves to love, that is crazy funny, that has a huge drive. I look in your eyes and I see your daddy and me.

You have changed so much in one year. It's like everyday you are changing, growing, getting more beautiful by the minute. One year ago you were barely 5Ilbs and wore premie clothes home from the hospital. Now your 20Ilbs, in size 12 months and love to move around everything. You wave hi and bye all the time with a great big smile, like you accomplished so much. It's amazing. You can have a whole conversation with your eyes. You are a very visual baby and love to watch people to see what their next move is going to be.

I have so much I want to tell you. So much I want you to know from your father and my
mistakes; If we didn't make those mistakes we wouldn't be who we are. We wouldn't be where we are. Your going to make mistakes. your going to fail, and your going to pick yourself up and try again. I hope you get the chance to do everything YOU want to do. I hope you get to see and hear the world. I hope you use your gift to do good in this world; to be an inspiration to others. To be YOU.

I want you to know that you have already taught me so much. I hope we can learn from each other. I will always be here for you. Our door is always open. Always. No matter what. We have some big things going on this year! You will always be my baby. My first. My sweet Ms. Mae.

Happy First Birthday Baby!

 Love Mama

Things I want my daughter to know

Everyday while driving to work I think about things that I want to tell Riley Mae, things I want you to know about life. Things I've learned and want her to learn, the easy way. Here is my list of 50 things I want her to know...to look back on one day and realize what life is all about:

1. Choose your attitude; there is so much negativity in the world. Don't let yourself be negative. It's a choice.
2. Always buckle your seat belt
3. Say please and thank you. Please shows respect, thank you shows appreciation. Do both. 
4. You can always come home. Whenever. No matter how old you are.
5. Diamonds are not a girls best friend. they are materialistic, best friends are your best friends. They are like sisters you choose; They make life so much better. 
6. Read. Stay educated on things going on in your community, your environment and lifestyle. 
7. You and I will fight. You will probably hate me at some point, but we will make up and it will all be fine again. 
8. I will continue to push you. Speech therapy every night during the week. You will thank me when you are in college and top of your class. 
9. I will only do things that are best for you. Even when you think they're not. 
10. Always believe in Santa Claus
11. You will always be in search for the perfect mascara, it never ends. Just keep searching. 
12. Don't worry about things you can't control. You implants and hearing is something you or I can't control, but how you approach it and work at it is. Worry about that. 
13. Different is beautiful. God gave you a gift. 
14. Girls can sometimes be mean. You don't need those girls in your life. 
15. High school is not the end all be all. It may seem like it determines your life, but that is so far from the truth. 
16. Keep your faith.
17. You can always borrow from my wardrobe; what's mine is yours
18.  Invest in really good shampoo and conditioner; your hair is so important. 
19. Be an advocate for yourself. Speak up when you feel out of place or something doesn't feel right. Mama won't always be there to help you out. 
20. Family is forever. 
21. Be the first to apologize. It will show your inner beauty and strength.
22. Be a friend people go to for guidance, to keep a secret. Not the opposite. 
23. Don't start highlighting or dyeing your hair until you absolutely have to. And go to a salon for that. 
24. Go to the beach. The real beach. 
25. Being smart is cool. 
26. Whenever you can, Dance. You always feel so much better. 
27. Some people need a drink to make everything feel better; Buying a brand new pair of shoes feels soooo much better. Go shopping!
28. There will always be people that judge in this world, don't be one of them. 
29. No matter how bad your day is, there is always someone having a worse day. 
30. Be a big sister. A friend. A protector.
31. A good workout could mean the difference between a good day and a bad day. You always feel so much better. 
32. Beat the boys at their own game.
33. Give back
34. A leader is knowing when to follow.
35. growing old doesn't mean growing up. 
36. Less is more when it comes to wearing makeup. 
37. Don't let anyone tell you you can't do something because of your hearing loss. You can do anything. 
38. Pizza Cutter pizza in Avon Lake is the best pizza ever.
39. Take naps. It's okay to need some alone time to recharge. 
40. Find a guy that loves you the same way you love him. 
41. Your father will always be a softy for you. 
42. Practice makes perfect. You can apply that to anything in life. 
43. I hope you never have to know who Miley Cyrus is. 
44. Learn from your failures; they're the reason you will be successful
45. Your never farther away then a phone call or facetime
46. It's fun to be one of the boys, but know when to act like a lady
47. Lay in our backyard and watch the stars occasional. They are amazing.
48. It's not your job to keep everyone happy. 
49. If you ever get a tatoo...stop and think what you're putting on your body. If you can't show your father, you better not. 
50. You will always be my baby. My first born.

11 Month Update

Ms. Mae

Please explain yourself! How are you 11 months old? That's one month from being 1 year old. A toddler. No longer my bitty baby. How did this happen? You are such a big girl. You have developed so much in the past month, along with your listening skills. You can now hear more sounds and look to sounds. You're only 3 months hearing, but I feel like you have came leaps and bounds.

 

You still love to eat. You are now on all table food, and whole milk. No MORE BOTTLE! Well except for at daycare when you see the other babies with bottles, then you want yours too. But other than that you are strictly sippy cup. So BIG! You are such a visual little girl. You will win a staring contest with anyone and everyone. You are always exploring with your eyes. You love watching cartoons in the morning, playing with daddy, and of course your binky. You still love your bathtime and pooltime. You get so excited with your bath toys that you won't ever put them down. They come out of the bath with you, and end up all over the house!

The planning in in full effect for your 1st birthday party. It is going to be a celebration for everyone. You have had quite the year. I know you won't remember your first year, your CI journey or even your party; that's why I want to document everything for you.

Your smile lights up the room. When I walk in and that big smile comes across your face, it makes my day perfect. You amaze me everyday with how well you are doing and how far you have come. I love you more than you realize, and until you have babies, you probably will never truly realize.

 Love, Mama