One Year Ago....

Riley Mae,

I'm writing you this on the night before Halloween to be ready for tomorrow. Halloween is one of those holidays that I love. The kids, the candy, the dressing up and treats, all make me so excited. Halloween has a different feeling for me this year. One year ago today you were diagnosed with profound hearing loss in both ears. Today was the day your dad and I found out you are deaf. Today is just another holiday for most people, not me.

I remember being in so much pain. So much grieving and so much hatred that i didn't even recognize myself. I remember sitting on the floor of the kitchen with you for 3 hours the day after and crying the entire time. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't get over that my idea of what our family would be, the perfect child with the perfect family was gone. I didn't know how to even come up for air during this grieving time. I didn't know if I could even be the mom I wanted to be. I felt so alone. I couldn't talk to anyone. I was numb.

I wrote this post The Beauty of Holland about how you feel when someone tells you there is something wrong with your child. You worry and stress your whole pregnancy about something being wrong and not one time did I ever think about you being born deaf. Never.

Now, one year later, I couldn't imagine you being any other way. I thank God for this gift he has given me to really understand something bigger than me.  To slow down. To be the best mother I can be. I wouldn't take back a single day with you, a single sound I hear you make for granted. How many moms get excited with their child gets scared by the dog? I can't wait until the day you get in trouble in school because you are talking to much; I will be grateful for your speech. Appreciate your language. Remember that day on Halloween 2012 when I couldn't see past that couple of hours.

I thought about today many times throughout this year and how I would feel. If I would be happy, sad, or even remember what it was like. This morning when I was getting you ready for your Halloween parade I cried and cried. I don't know if it was happy tears or remembering; I think maybe a little of both?

It's amazing how much time a year really is. Some people say times flies by, but does it really? Maybe we are just too busy to realize that time is slipping by us. You have shown me that time matters.  You have been through so much this past year and now we are back here again. Back to the day it all began and I couldn't be more proud of you than I am today. I couldn't have the most perfect little girl in the universe of little girls. I love you more than you know....more than pumpkin spice coffee, more than Christmas and more than pizza cutter pizza!

Love

Your Mama

To My Daughter

On her first birthday...

Riley Mae,

I can't believe that you are one year old, 365 days you have been with us. One year ago today we heard your cry for the first time. One year ago today we finally got to meet your beautiful face. One year ago today I became a mom, because of you.

Because of you I now know what it is to love something more than you can ever love yourself. Because of you I take less things for granite. Because of you I strive to be the best I can possible be. I now understand what the "love nobody can describe" feels like. You have touched so many people and been an inspiration to our whole family. Ever since you were conceived you were a fighter, you don't give up. I look in your eyes and see so much strength and determination. I look in your eyes and see a sweet girl that loves to love, that is crazy funny, that has a huge drive. I look in your eyes and I see your daddy and me.

You have changed so much in one year. It's like everyday you are changing, growing, getting more beautiful by the minute. One year ago you were barely 5Ilbs and wore premie clothes home from the hospital. Now your 20Ilbs, in size 12 months and love to move around everything. You wave hi and bye all the time with a great big smile, like you accomplished so much. It's amazing. You can have a whole conversation with your eyes. You are a very visual baby and love to watch people to see what their next move is going to be.

I have so much I want to tell you. So much I want you to know from your father and my
mistakes; If we didn't make those mistakes we wouldn't be who we are. We wouldn't be where we are. Your going to make mistakes. your going to fail, and your going to pick yourself up and try again. I hope you get the chance to do everything YOU want to do. I hope you get to see and hear the world. I hope you use your gift to do good in this world; to be an inspiration to others. To be YOU.

I want you to know that you have already taught me so much. I hope we can learn from each other. I will always be here for you. Our door is always open. Always. No matter what. We have some big things going on this year! You will always be my baby. My first. My sweet Ms. Mae.

Happy First Birthday Baby!

 Love Mama

Things I want my daughter to know

Everyday while driving to work I think about things that I want to tell Riley Mae, things I want you to know about life. Things I've learned and want her to learn, the easy way. Here is my list of 50 things I want her to know...to look back on one day and realize what life is all about:

1. Choose your attitude; there is so much negativity in the world. Don't let yourself be negative. It's a choice.
2. Always buckle your seat belt
3. Say please and thank you. Please shows respect, thank you shows appreciation. Do both. 
4. You can always come home. Whenever. No matter how old you are.
5. Diamonds are not a girls best friend. they are materialistic, best friends are your best friends. They are like sisters you choose; They make life so much better. 
6. Read. Stay educated on things going on in your community, your environment and lifestyle. 
7. You and I will fight. You will probably hate me at some point, but we will make up and it will all be fine again. 
8. I will continue to push you. Speech therapy every night during the week. You will thank me when you are in college and top of your class. 
9. I will only do things that are best for you. Even when you think they're not. 
10. Always believe in Santa Claus
11. You will always be in search for the perfect mascara, it never ends. Just keep searching. 
12. Don't worry about things you can't control. You implants and hearing is something you or I can't control, but how you approach it and work at it is. Worry about that. 
13. Different is beautiful. God gave you a gift. 
14. Girls can sometimes be mean. You don't need those girls in your life. 
15. High school is not the end all be all. It may seem like it determines your life, but that is so far from the truth. 
16. Keep your faith.
17. You can always borrow from my wardrobe; what's mine is yours
18.  Invest in really good shampoo and conditioner; your hair is so important. 
19. Be an advocate for yourself. Speak up when you feel out of place or something doesn't feel right. Mama won't always be there to help you out. 
20. Family is forever. 
21. Be the first to apologize. It will show your inner beauty and strength.
22. Be a friend people go to for guidance, to keep a secret. Not the opposite. 
23. Don't start highlighting or dyeing your hair until you absolutely have to. And go to a salon for that. 
24. Go to the beach. The real beach. 
25. Being smart is cool. 
26. Whenever you can, Dance. You always feel so much better. 
27. Some people need a drink to make everything feel better; Buying a brand new pair of shoes feels soooo much better. Go shopping!
28. There will always be people that judge in this world, don't be one of them. 
29. No matter how bad your day is, there is always someone having a worse day. 
30. Be a big sister. A friend. A protector.
31. A good workout could mean the difference between a good day and a bad day. You always feel so much better. 
32. Beat the boys at their own game.
33. Give back
34. A leader is knowing when to follow.
35. growing old doesn't mean growing up. 
36. Less is more when it comes to wearing makeup. 
37. Don't let anyone tell you you can't do something because of your hearing loss. You can do anything. 
38. Pizza Cutter pizza in Avon Lake is the best pizza ever.
39. Take naps. It's okay to need some alone time to recharge. 
40. Find a guy that loves you the same way you love him. 
41. Your father will always be a softy for you. 
42. Practice makes perfect. You can apply that to anything in life. 
43. I hope you never have to know who Miley Cyrus is. 
44. Learn from your failures; they're the reason you will be successful
45. Your never farther away then a phone call or facetime
46. It's fun to be one of the boys, but know when to act like a lady
47. Lay in our backyard and watch the stars occasional. They are amazing.
48. It's not your job to keep everyone happy. 
49. If you ever get a tatoo...stop and think what you're putting on your body. If you can't show your father, you better not. 
50. You will always be my baby. My first born.

11 Month Update

Ms. Mae

Please explain yourself! How are you 11 months old? That's one month from being 1 year old. A toddler. No longer my bitty baby. How did this happen? You are such a big girl. You have developed so much in the past month, along with your listening skills. You can now hear more sounds and look to sounds. You're only 3 months hearing, but I feel like you have came leaps and bounds.

 

You still love to eat. You are now on all table food, and whole milk. No MORE BOTTLE! Well except for at daycare when you see the other babies with bottles, then you want yours too. But other than that you are strictly sippy cup. So BIG! You are such a visual little girl. You will win a staring contest with anyone and everyone. You are always exploring with your eyes. You love watching cartoons in the morning, playing with daddy, and of course your binky. You still love your bathtime and pooltime. You get so excited with your bath toys that you won't ever put them down. They come out of the bath with you, and end up all over the house!

The planning in in full effect for your 1st birthday party. It is going to be a celebration for everyone. You have had quite the year. I know you won't remember your first year, your CI journey or even your party; that's why I want to document everything for you.

Your smile lights up the room. When I walk in and that big smile comes across your face, it makes my day perfect. You amaze me everyday with how well you are doing and how far you have come. I love you more than you realize, and until you have babies, you probably will never truly realize.

 Love, Mama

Poor Girl???

Last week at the YMCA daycare, the daycare student smiled at Riley Mae and said "poor girl", with a smile and open arms. Poor girl?

Now let me give you alittle background....

Riley was born with EVA which is an enlarged vestibular that makes her have little to no hearing in both ears. This condition usually gets worse over time, and it has for Riley. She was born with some hearing in her left ear, and over time...it was getting worse.

We, Josh and I, decided to get her cochlear implants in both ears at 9 months old. Research shows that the younger the child gets implanted and starts getting stimulation of sound, the better chances are of them developing speech and being at the same level of their peers.

Now let me skip 9 months and now she has had the surgery, gotten activated in BOTH ears and is happy as can be. She babbles, looks to sounds, claps and is now waving to everyone! Would you call that a poor girl?

I actually feel for moms that don't take every single word and movement their child makes for granted. Last night I was talking to Riley and I said HI RILEY.....she looked at me and waved. She listened to me. She didn't just hear me, she was listening. I cried! How many moms can say that. It is just natural for them. Every time Riley listens, I notice. Every time Riley makes a reaction to sound, I notice. It has made me a better mom. 

 

Two weeks ago I was playing with Riley and I started laughing (which is a loud annoying sound) and Riley dropped everything a looked at me and just had such a big smile. She heard that. Those are the moments I would miss if Riley had normal hearing. Every little sound I point out when we are outside...the wind, the trees, the birds, cars, everything. Would I do that if Riley had normal hearing?

So many times we are so busy that we don't notice how are children develop. How much they learn through their environment. I can hostly say that I am NOT guilty of that. I work full time, teach 3 spinning classes a week, have speech therapy for Riley once a week but I still notice every single move she makes. We she hears her toys, I notice. She has broughten me that gift. The gift of motherhood that most moms don't have. The gift to be happy when my child is talking to much, or waking up the baby, or being loud in a restuarant.

So many times I see complaining on Facebook about such small miniscle things that make me think....that poor girl. She doesn't realize that even though their child is waking up the baby, or running around like a maniac screaming, she has a gift that she takes for granted. That will be something that I never take for granted...something that makes me smile everyday. Riley will have more than most kids I know.

Now do you think this is a poor girl???

Shannon

10 Month Pistol

Ms. Mae,

 Well little girl, I would have to say that we've had quite the road with you. After your surgery, you have been back in the hospital for 4 days, then home for 2 weeks, and back for 2 days. Your on two different medicines and this time for 4 weeks! This infection will just not let up. I have a feeling we are going to be back again.

You are one strong little girl. You don't ever give up. You go at your own pace. And when you want something...we all know about it. You laugh. Oh boy do you laugh. Your dad's really the only one that can make you belly laugh for a long time. You just find him so amusing...it's hilarious.

You are hearing so much with your CI (right side) that it is amazing. You look to sound now, look to toys that make sounds and most importantly...you dance! You heard mama laugh for the first time the other night. You stopped, looked and smiled right to me. It was the bet moment. You keep shining and learning more everyday. You lost your voice because of all the talking you do. IT'S GREAT.

We're still working on crawling, which you dispize, but you are all about standing. I think you say "only babies crawl", I'm gonna walk! That's so your personality. We still try and one day we will be chasing after you. Don't grow up too soon, go your own pace.

You love food. Any and all kinds. We fed you chicken for the first time last night and you LOVED it. You eat everything that you can get your hands on to. If you don't like it, you push it away...far away.

You love bath time, sleeping, all your toys, putting things in your mouth, going outside, swinging on your swing set, Rome, swimming and believe it or not, taking your medicine. There really isn't anything you don't like...well maybe cottage cheese, but we will work on that.

You're in size 12 month clothes-12 MONTH! That's like a toddler...gosh you are getting so big. Size 3 diapers and growing by the second. The last check up went great. You are now 18 lbs, and 23 inches tall. This was your first time on the growth chart, only 7% but you're still on it!

There isn't anything we wouldn't do for you. You have so many people in your corner, more prayers then god can possibly keep up with. You are only lucky little girl, not to mention fashionable. I look forward to everything life has in store for us, the good and the bad. You are truly my sunshine in everyday. I love you to the moon and back, more than peanut butter and jelly sandwiches!

Love,

Your Mama

9 Month Baby

Since Riley's 10 month is tomorrow I naturally thought it was time to update the world on her nine month. ahem. Well TECHNICALLY if you look at gestational age she is going to be nice months, so I'm on track. Right?

My Sweet Riley, I can't believe your only 9 months when I feel like you've been in my life forever. You have such a personality and such a little person that you feel like a 9 year old, not 9 month old. You are such a charmer and everyone just loves to be around you. You are a one happy happy baby.


 Love your sleep; you will sleep 10 hours a night and be ready to play when you get up. You laugh out loud and play with whatever you can get your hands on. Everything goes right to the mouth. Every. Single. Time.

You love love love to eat. Sweet potatoes, apples, advocato, peas, bean, banana, pears...you name it. You get so excited when you see that bib coming on that you can barely stand it. Your legs get straight and you arms start going crazy. You're too cute.

This month was a big month with your surgery going on. You had such a support group there; we took up the whole 3rd floor. 6 hours of waiting, hoping, praying. Everything turned out great and Dr. Yates was amazing. I thank him everyday for his talent. He has taken great care of you (more to come).

We had our first family vacation and you had a blast. You didn't love the lake water but still had a great time hanging out with everyone. Your first of many times to sleeping bear dunes. I hope to make many more memories of vacationing with family, friends and you seeing the world.

Your are the sweetest little girl and I couldn't have even dreamed this up. I look into your eyes and see so much going on in there. Alittle bit of me, some of your dad, but mostly your strength, your courage and your ability to make everything better for everyone. You're my best friend. I love you to the moon and back. I love you more than you will ever know, more than the sunset on a summer night, more than chocolate.

 Love, Your mama