Thursday, October 31, 2013

One Year Ago....

Riley Mae,

I'm writing you this on the night before Halloween to be ready for tomorrow. Halloween is one of those holidays that I love. The kids, the candy, the dressing up and treats, all make me so excited. Halloween has a different feeling for me this year. One year ago today you were diagnosed with profound hearing loss in both ears. Today was the day your dad and I found out you are deaf. Today is just another holiday for most people, not me.

I remember being in so much pain. So much grieving and so much hatred that i didn't even recognize myself. I remember sitting on the floor of the kitchen with you for 3 hours the day after and crying the entire time. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't get over that my idea of what our family would be, the perfect child with the perfect family was gone. I didn't know how to even come up for air during this grieving time. I didn't know if I could even be the mom I wanted to be. I felt so alone. I couldn't talk to anyone. I was numb.

I wrote this post The Beauty of Holland about how you feel when someone tells you there is something wrong with your child. You worry and stress your whole pregnancy about something being wrong and not one time did I ever think about you being born deaf. Never.

Now, one year later, I couldn't imagine you being any other way. I thank God for this gift he has given me to really understand something bigger than me.  To slow down. To be the best mother I can be. I wouldn't take back a single day with you, a single sound I hear you make for granted. How many moms get excited with their child gets scared by the dog? I can't wait until the day you get in trouble in school because you are talking to much; I will be grateful for your speech. Appreciate your language. Remember that day on Halloween 2012 when I couldn't see past that couple of hours.

I thought about today many times throughout this year and how I would feel. If I would be happy, sad, or even remember what it was like. This morning when I was getting you ready for your Halloween parade I cried and cried. I don't know if it was happy tears or remembering; I think maybe a little of both?

It's amazing how much time a year really is. Some people say times flies by, but does it really? Maybe we are just too busy to realize that time is slipping by us. You have shown me that time matters.  You have been through so much this past year and now we are back here again. Back to the day it all began and I couldn't be more proud of you than I am today. I couldn't have the most perfect little girl in the universe of little girls. I love you more than you know....more than pumpkin spice coffee, more than Christmas and more than pizza cutter pizza!


Your Mama

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

To My Daughter

On her first birthday...

Riley Mae,

I can't believe that you are one year old, 365 days you have been with us. One year ago today we heard your cry for the first time. One year ago today we finally got to meet your beautiful face. One year ago today I became a mom, because of you.

Because of you I now know what it is to love something more than you can ever love yourself. Because of you I take less things for granite. Because of you I strive to be the best I can possible be. I now understand what the "love nobody can describe" feels like. You have touched so many people and been an inspiration to our whole family. Ever since you were conceived you were a fighter, you don't give up. I look in your eyes and see so much strength and determination. I look in your eyes and see a sweet girl that loves to love, that is crazy funny, that has a huge drive. I look in your eyes and I see your daddy and me.

You have changed so much in one year. It's like everyday you are changing, growing, getting more beautiful by the minute. One year ago you were barely 5Ilbs and wore premie clothes home from the hospital. Now your 20Ilbs, in size 12 months and love to move around everything. You wave hi and bye all the time with a great big smile, like you accomplished so much. It's amazing. You can have a whole conversation with your eyes. You are a very visual baby and love to watch people to see what their next move is going to be.

I have so much I want to tell you. So much I want you to know from your father and my
mistakes; If we didn't make those mistakes we wouldn't be who we are. We wouldn't be where we are. Your going to make mistakes. your going to fail, and your going to pick yourself up and try again. I hope you get the chance to do everything YOU want to do. I hope you get to see and hear the world. I hope you use your gift to do good in this world; to be an inspiration to others. To be YOU.

I want you to know that you have already taught me so much. I hope we can learn from each other. I will always be here for you. Our door is always open. Always. No matter what. We have some big things going on this year! You will always be my baby. My first. My sweet Ms. Mae.

Happy First Birthday Baby!

 Love Mama