Okay Okay...so it has been two weeks and I already had my first "I am failing as a mom" moment. I think that actually happened in the first week. It has taken me one more week to get over it (kind of).
Everyone knows that I am(was) dead set on breast feeding. I mean I have it all...breast pump, nursing pads (like 500), storage bags, nursing bras and everything else you will possibly need to have a heathy breast feeding baby. I have read all the articles that tell you breast is best. I know and understand what I have to do to go back to work full time and breast feed. WELL....just like everything else, it didn't go as planned. Here is my story:
Baby Riley was early and I was not producing anything, no colustrum, milk or anything. I don't even think my breast grew during my pregnancy at all. Since Riley was so small we had to start feeding her something. The doctors let us know that most babies can survive off little once they are born because of the vitamins they received from my placenta and cord. She needed some food to help her gain weight.
Part of my birth plan (again we all know how my plan worked out) was to have skin to skin breast feeding right away after delivery. Since I had a c section I was in recovery for about an hour after the delivery so that didn't really work out. She was having trouble latching on because of how small she was. So we used a nipple shield with a feeding tube and sringe. I know it sounds complicated but I was against giving her formula in the first place and did not want her to be introduced to the bottle before I could even breast feed.
Well then I pumped. I pumped every two hours, had her try and feed every two hours and then resorted to the formula (high calorie) that the hospital was providing us. Again this was all through a feeding tube, skin to skin, and attached to the breast. My goal was to keep trying until it worked. I was determined.
Then we got home. Feedings took abotu 1 1/2 each time. I was still determined to get her on the breast milk. I just was not producing anything...nothing was happening. The little that I did produce she would gulp right up and be starving, I mean CRY YOUR HEAD OFF starved. Once I finally gave her the formula (again the the feeding tube) she was gulp it like she had never eaten before. That was my OFFICIAL I am failing as a mom moment. My baby was starved and I wasn't able to norish her??!!
Then the realization came when I went to the pedetrician. She lost a couple ounces since she was home. She was born at 5 lbs, came home at 4 and 12 oz, and was 4 and 10 two days later. His concern was she wasnt getting enough food. She was alway starved.
Still I pumped, and pumped, and fed her through the nipple shield with the feeding tube. My last resort was my appointment with my lacation nurse. After taking new herbs, still pumping and my milk ducts not producing anything, she gave me two options. Both were prescription medications that would (maybe) help my produce. One is something you get from a combine pharmacy, or overseas in New Zealand (really?) or the other is one you can take once and it has a high rate of depression. Okay that sounds like something I am willing to do. I just had a newborn and already think I am failing...I think my hormones had enough depression from one lifetime.
AFter talking about it with Josh, we decided against the prescription and I was going to give it up (i hate those words) but I did. I cried, cried and felt so guilty it killed me.
Today we are doing great and have already gained a pound since the big decision. The feeding are easier with Josh in the mix and she loves her Tommee Tippie bottles. They are a total newborn musthave because they are designed to resemble a breast nipple.
Sweetie I tried! Just remember that mom gave it her all but in the end your nurishment is more important because I just was not producing. So that folks is why I am PACKING UP THE PUMP.
Since I have this awesome newborn, I have so many great posts to write about. Here are some that are coming your way:
Riley Mea's Musthaves
Delivery Story
Our Journey
My Pregnancy (hopefully with maternity pics)
The NURSERY...it will be done this week
Happy Tuesday
Shannon
xoxoxoxo
I just found your blog, and wanted to let you know that you haven't failed as a mom. But...I understand. My 10 week old son was born 3 weeks early and had to go immediately to the NICU, where he stayed 20 days, with pulmonary hypertension. It was bad. I pumped from the second they brought one in my room. At first, I was making SO much milk, I brought home about a gallon frozen from the hospital. Kept producing 2oz each side regularly. That was great...until he started eating 4oz, then wanting more. I went through the gallon of frozen in no time. I was barely keeping up. Sometimes I wasn't. I cried the first time I mixed up his formula and the look on his face when he drank it...then the upset stomach came. He even drank fussiness and gas formula, but was STILL sick. First puke. I cried. My husband had me boohooing, Pierce screaming and puking...I felt horrible. I'm still having supply issues, and he still gets formula every few days when I just can't keep up. We do the best we can as moms, as long as she's eating, growing, and loved you can't fail.
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